US Census: More women than ever are childless.
(Image: Lara Kulpa)
Twenty percent of women ages 40 to 44 have no children, double the level of 30 years ago, the report said; and women in that age bracket who do have children have fewer than ever — an average of 1.9 children, compared with the mean average of 3.1 children in 1976. - NYTimes.com
It’s being suggested that career choices and ethnicity are the two main reasons for this drop in motherhood. Personally, my reason is because I haven’t found someone to make babies with yet. Sure, I could go out there and “get a baby” but I don’t want that and I think that women (girls) who do that are just… ew. I’d rather at least go to a clinic somewhere and get a donor. Someone WILLING to anonymously father a child with a stranger. I mean, seriously. ;)
What’s my “ideal”? Getting married to a man who won’t ever cheat on me or abuse me, have a baby or two, and live happily ever after, where even at 70 years of age, I cook his dinner every night and he holds my hand as he walks my arthritic butt to the car. Yep, I want the damn fairy tale. Will I get it? I can only hope. But if I don’t see it happening within the next couple years, yes, I’m going out to get me a baby.
Now, I’m an entrepreneur, but I spent my time in college and all that. I’m also 2nd/3rd generation born American. So I don’t fit into their “types” in this article. My situation is simply that I haven’t found “that guy”. It’s not that I’ve made the personal choice to wait, or to not have children at all. It’s that I can’t find the guy who I think would be a great husband and father, who feels that I’d be a great wife and mother, who wants to be MY husband and my kids’ father.
It’s articles like this that annoy me. I know that in this situation, I’m the “margin for error” but damn, when is someone going to write an article about why women like me are in our situations? When is someone going to do a study that figures out how many marriages that go through a cheating spouse that a) end in divorce or b) get through it? I can’t possibly be the only woman in the world who fears that happening to me, and I can’t be the only woman in the world who has never and would never cheat on a mate. Where are those studies, that say that the reason a lot of these women have chosen their careers over having families is because they too can’t find a quality guy who wants the same things in life that they do, so instead they focus on their careers because that’s the only thing they can care for and nurture without requiring a spouse?
Why do you guys think that more women than ever are not having children? What do you think is going to happen to the US population in 40 or 50 years because of this downward trend? And is it “okay” or is it “selfish” for a woman to make the conscious choice, with or without a spouse, to not have children?
Tags: childless marriage, childless women, children, single mom by choice, single-mother, single-womenRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Controversial Issues
14 opinions for US Census: More women than ever are childless.
Kelly
Aug 20, 2008 at 9:00 am
I think some of it is career. I’m in the legal profession and many women wait to get married and have children until after they’ve been working in the profession for awhile.
But, I also think that some of it is unrealistic expectations about relationships. So many of my single friends spent years looking for “Mr. Right” - and he had to be perfect. I don’t think there is such a thing as perfect. Relationships require effort, you have to work at them - not everyone meets their “soul mate” a la Sleepless in Seattle. I think a lot of my generation (I’m mid-30s) felt like they were promised a fairy tale. I don’t think that the “fairy tale” exists.
This is not to say that I don’t believe in love and romance and wonderfulness (is that even a word?). I am married to a great guy but it’s not a fairy tale - I actually don’t know any of my married friends that would call it that. And it didn’t just “happen” one day - we were friends that fell in love. I think sometimes we spend too much time looking for *something* when what we really need is right in front of us.
Lara Kulpa
Aug 20, 2008 at 9:10 am
I love your comment, Kelly!
And I know what you mean about people hunting for absolute perfection… but like I said:
“What’s my “ideal”? Getting married to a man who won’t ever cheat on me or abuse me…”
Sure, I don’t want some disgusting slob who doesn’t take care of himself or wipes his boogers on his pants leg, but I don’t think I’m asking for too much there… and like I said in my intro post, as far as appearances go, I’m kind of really okay with anything as long as he has most of his teeth, they’re some shade of white, and no mullets.
The truth is, I haven’t even come close to being asked to marry someone, and when I’ve asked my guy friends what’s wrong with me, the answer I always get is that wonderful answer your guy friends give you because they love you: “You’re just too good for them and they don’t realize how good you are.”
I’ve got TONS of guy friends, being a member of a volunteer fire department since birth (my dad’s been a member for over 30 years), and I’ve even crushed on a couple of them in the past. But forgive the “woe is me” thing here: I’m always the one to fall in love with a guy, and it’s always unrequited.
So yeah, I don’t know. I know I want to be a mom, and I want that more than I want to risk abuse, being cheated on, getting an incurable STD from someone I thought was faithful, and going through a divorce. I’ve seen that happen far too many times to my friends, and have personally experienced the abuse and cheating things… I don’t want that. I can choose to have a child, but I can’t choose another person’s actions… you know?
Whoo, I’m rambling. Yeah, it’s a passionate issue for me… lol
Darcie
Aug 20, 2008 at 10:06 am
If I could afford to have a kid on my own, I would. And I would do it the old fashioned way by hooking up with the hottest doctor at the bar.
I have friends in their 40’s who don’t have kids cause they don’t want them. Plain and simple. Nothing to do with their careers/mariages, etc. They just can’t stand kids.
Lara Kulpa
Aug 20, 2008 at 10:32 am
LOL @ “the old fashioned way” Darcie…
I’m giving myself a time limit. It’s a time limit that I’ve extended over the years, but this time the goal is that I need to be financially stable enough to care for a child on my own, and then I’ll go get one. If “Mr. Right” comes through along the way, fantastic. If not, I’m goin’ it alone. :)
Angel
Aug 20, 2008 at 10:37 am
I have always wanted to have kids and last year the waiting and the biological clock became too much for me. I decided to become a single foster mom. I now have a 6yr old and a 10 month old. It’s hard work but the thought of being unmarried and childless for the rest of my life seems much harder. I am in my mid 30’s and I felt I didn’t have much more time to wait.
Michelle Smith
Aug 20, 2008 at 10:54 am
Hi Lara - I’m your co-blogger, Michelle.
I’m a single mom. I married a man whom I thought fit within your specs up there, but I was wrong on both counts. I’ve been divorced for many years, raising 3 kids completely on my own and it’s been challenging, but I’m betting that it is far less challenging than it would have been had he stayed around.
I don’t know you age yet - haven’t seen your intro yet, but I hope you give yourself a little time and flexibility on this issue. Women are having children later now, although I can tell you from experience that being pregnant when you are in your 20s is easier than when you are in your 30s (or I imagine 40s).
If things do not work out in the “usual” order, then do it on your own. I know a good many single moms and we are able to handle things on our own.
I hope that you find a wonderful guy. I did have a chance to read your B5Media bio and you sound like a real renaissance woman. Any man would be lucky to have you.
Lara Kulpa
Aug 20, 2008 at 11:49 am
*hugs* Michelle! Thank you! I was just about to respond to your email in a few minutes, too!
I’ve already got issues that may or may not hinder my ability to have my own children, at 31 years of age. I don’t want to wait too much longer, because the ability to even GET pregnant is more difficult when you’re over 35 than when you’re under it.
I happen to think that single moms rock. My best friend should’ve walked (erm, ran) into single life long before she did, because she did a better job solo than their father ever could’ve participated in when he was around.
I too hope that someday I do find a wonderful guy. But yeah, in the event that things get cutting a little too close with that pesky biological clock, then mmhmm, I’m gonna go buy me some fertilizer. LOL
Gayla McCord
Aug 20, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Speaking from a twice married chic with two kids and two stepkids - if I had to do it all over again, I’d go the same way as Darcie.
I’ve come to the conclusion that soul mates don’t exist. Men are great to have around sometimes, but they’re even better when you can tell them to go home ;)
I always said I took the best part of my ex husband and ran (best being my twins).
Lara Kulpa
Aug 20, 2008 at 12:07 pm
:) I love it, Gayla. My friend calls her kids’ father her sperm donor, despite having been together since the age of 16, married, etc. etc. etc.
I’m starting to come to your same conclusion, Gayla. Some might call me bitter and mistrusting and all that… I call it smart. :)
Gayla McCord
Aug 20, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Smart? I call it Brilliant!
Michelle
Aug 20, 2008 at 12:09 pm
You know, I had a friend a few years back who used a sperm donor service. I wonder if that’s something to look into for an article….. Women are able to do so much for themselves these days, but there are some things that we need just a little help with.
Kelly
Aug 21, 2008 at 7:56 am
Okay, I’m hiding behind furniture as I write this so that I don’t get pelted with tomatoes…
I’m not judging anyone else’s choices because goodness knows I have enough on my own plate to worry about. But I will say that personally, I could never elect to be a single mom. And not because I believe that single moms aren’t good parents or any of that other nonsense. But because it’s hard (now I sound like Barbie, “math is hard.”)
I have three small children (ages 6 and under). I love them. And I love that I have them.
But I am *that mom* that will say out loud that I don’t always enjoy my children. I know that Stepford moms everywhere are grabbing their strings of pearls in collective horror… But it’s true.
There are moments when I am bone tired and cranky, when I feel like I don’t have another moment to give to someone else. Those are the times when all of the children are vomiting for 24 hours straight, when one of them puts soap in the dishwasher and the house floods, when my toddler dumped a glass of water on my laptop… when I’m too tired to clean anymore, work anymore (I’m a working mom). There are times when I don’t want to be crawled on, I don’t feel like reading “Click, Clack, Moo” for the 15th time straight. Parenting is hard, hard work. And those times? When I feel like crying? When I don’t want to get up and get more juice because I just want to eat my own damn dinner? When I want to pee without an audience? Those are the times that I’m glad it’s not just me.
I understand that this isn’t a choice for everyone - for lots of reasons. But it is for me. Cause at the end of the day, when I’m exhausted and deflated on the sofa, it sure is nice to have someone pat my head and offer me a beer. Having someone do something for me once in awhile? All moms need that.
Lara Kulpa
Aug 21, 2008 at 8:40 am
Awh Kelly, no hiding behind furniture allowed here!
Listen, it IS hard. Single motherhood is NOT algebra. It’s not even advanced calculus. It’s not even 5th level nuclear dynamic whatever… it’s a completely different animal.
As a human being, you’re completely allowed to have whatever feelings you have, and to feel them outright and forthright and righteously! Far be it from me, or anyone else, or even a Stepford wife to judge or throw a lamp at your head for it.
I agree - choosing single motherhood isn’t always the ideal. It’s also not good to be idealistic that you’ll get that fairy tale, that Prince Charming, that “perfection”. It’s good that you’ve got all that sorted out and you’re in a place where you can be comfortable with the choices you’ve made in your life!
I’m just saying that in my situation, given the men who have come in and out of my life, there are very few I could ever look back on and say things like, “He’d have been a great father,” or even “He’d have been a great husband,” much less both. But I do know that I can be a great mom, and that I’d rather my children have at least that than be in a home full of anger and cheating and deception, or dealing with an absentee father that they know exists but who doesn’t acknowledge their existence, or is too drunk/high/busy with whores to spend a weekend with them. I’ve seen that happen with friends, and I’ve seen what it’s done to the kids, and no matter what, I think it’d be much easier to tell my child that *I* wanted them so much that I couldn’t wait any longer so I did it alone rather than chance not having them come into the world at all versus having to look them in the face and say, “Sorry sweetie, Daddy’s not coming to pick you up this weekend.”
I’m so NOT sitting here thinking that life as a whole would be peaches and cream “if only”. I AM saying that I’m tired of looking for the man I can love who will love me back, and who will want to have children with me. If he comes along while I’m working on the steps I need to make in order to have kids, fantastic. I don’t plan on doing anything until I’m financially secure enough to raise a child alone if that’s where life puts me, and I’m not going to stop dating or stop wanting someone in my life.
My major issue here is biology, to be totally honest. I don’t have much more time to wait, given my own medical situations (as it is, I might be lucky to even be able to get pregnant NOW if I wanted to).
Everything else is either hard work or rough times, but no matter what the stress, in my eyes being a mom is completely and totally worth it.
Recent Links Tagged With "trends" - JabberTags
Nov 1, 2008 at 12:50 am
[...] House Swapping: A Rising Trend in the Real Estate Industry Saved by NamiNiwa on Fri 31-10-2008 US Census: More women than ever are childless. Saved by AgoraIndex on Fri 31-10-2008 Alabama education officials cracking down on local Internet [...]
Have an opinion? Leave a comment: