My Personal Challenge: Love and Patience
My boyfriend and I have been a couple for more than a year. As I’ve mentioned before, we live in different states and haven’t been able to spend as much time together as we would like. In the beginning, things were a bit on the fast and furious side - we jumped from friends to being in love quickly. We wanted to figure out a way to live together, so he changed jobs, moved 3 hours in my direction, and I planned to join him there in a few months. The work situation didn’t go as planned - the plan to live together was shelved.
Then, we went through a time where I was uncertain as to our status. Were we still exclusive, were we still planning a future, were we even a couple? Communication was impossible. I waited it out - I was confused, but I did my best to be patient. Eventually things felt “normal” again.
I asked him, the last time he was here, if he was still interested in a future with me. He said yes, seemed surprised by my question. I don’t know if it’s men and women who are so different in the way they relate or if it’s just me and Steve.
Last night we had the longest serious conversation we’ve had in more months than I can count. We talked about important stuff and chatty stuff and then more important stuff. I felt a connection that I haven’t felt in awhile. I felt as if we were a team again. It’s hard when I don’t know if I matter, if I figure into his plans at all. He’s not big with the reassurance and I hate to appear or feel needy. He is sure of me and he assumes I am sure of him. We have a complicated past and I try not to let it figure into our present, but it’s impossible sometimes to ignore it.
Relationships, they are never easy, are they? I see my friends struggling, those in relationships and those who are single. We all strive for the loving relationship, while still trying to hold onto our independence, our sense of self. When things were the roughest for Steve and I, everybody who loved me encouraged me to get out. I didn’t. I thought about it, questioned my reasons for staying daily. I’m glad that I held on. I imagine we’ve got more in the way of complications and struggles ahead of us, but I feel better equipped to handle them next time.
In the end I know this; I love Steve, Steve loves me, Steve and I love each other’s children. That’s the important stuff, right? And patience, it’s something I’m always going to have to work on. I find working without a timeline frustrating, but trying to force something is only going to lead to resentment for the both of us.
At some point we all have to decide what our personal deal breakers are. What are the things we can and cannot live with or without? Are we going to give up when things get tough? If we do, what does this say about our ability to hang in there for the long haul? It’s not always going to be easy. Being a human, it’s tough, it’s challenging. That ability to love, to make ourselves vulnerable to others, it can feel like a kick in the belly at times. Happiness, true connection, just a little taste of the bliss, that makes it all worth it to me. As long as I have hope, I can find a way to be more patience.
Do you have a deal breaker? What do you think about cutting and running in a relationship? Do you function with a timeline? A plan? Did you ever give up on something and now wish you’d held on just a bit longer?
Image credit - Michelle Smith
Tags: being patient, figuring things out, having patience, love, relationships, staying together, timelinesRelated Stories
POSTED IN: A Dating Story
2 opinions for My Personal Challenge: Love and Patience
Kat Wilder
Sep 21, 2008 at 1:21 pm
I’m not big on timelines, but I can understand if a woman (or a man) wants to have a baby. There are biological realities, after all.
But having a plan to be married by a certain age is silly and unrealistic, and may have you marrying the wrong person … but at th eright time!
Relationships are never one size fits all, but everyone should have some dealbreakers. If you don’t, then you don’t really know what’s really important to you. And that’s the most important thing; to be honest with yourself about what you really want in a partner. And if he does the same, and you both want each other, what difference does it make how long it takes to get there? You’re already there, even if it doesn’t look like the traditional man, woman, house.
Just my two cents …
Michelle Smith
Sep 21, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Thanks for your comment, Kat.
My boyfriend and I don’t plan to get married ever. We don’t plan to have any more kids (we have 6 between us). Wanting to be together has nothing to do with wanting to be somewhere by a certain age. I’m 42, the whole biological clock things has nothing to do with my life. We do plan to live together.
Currently I see him for about 36 hours every 6 weeks. It’s very hard to conduct a relationship that way. That’s why I’m worried about how long it’s taking us to get to a more permanent situation. If we lived in the same town or saw each other more often, it might be different. Very soon it will be snowing there and it will be even harder to get together.
I want him IN my life not just visiting it occasionally. The idea of another year or two seeing him for a day a half approximately 10-11 times a year does not sound good to me. If that’s the way it’s going to be, that would be a dealbreaker for me. I’m ready for a partner - THIS partner, not just any partner.
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