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Dating Dames - Dating & Relationship Advice, Tips and Trends

Ladies: Avoid this mistake like the plague!

by Lara on October 16th, 2008

Double lightningImage via WikipediaLet’s say you’ve been perusing the online personals, and you meet a guy and start chatting over instant messenger. Things are going great, hours pass and you’re loving every second of it. There’s an electrifying connection between you, it seems. You two seem to have a lot in common, he’s cute, funny, and intelligent. He talks about more than his car/hunting/sports/etc. and it revolves around things you find really awesome.You really want to talk to him on the phone. You want to meet him. You want to sip coffee and people watch.

Take this from me, girls… one who’s made this mistake on more than one occassion in the past:

Do NOT be the first one to suggest you two get on the phone or meet up face to face.

Seriously. Don’t do it. As tempting as it might be, you’re liable to totally drive him off. Don’t even hint at it.

I can hear you all gasping right now, wondering what the big deal is. Guy readers might be thinking, “But I want her to make that first move so I don’t have to,” and in some rare cases, okay I concede. But for the most part, what I’ve discovered is that guys who really get into chatting over IM are really into chatting over IM for more than just a day before deciding if they want to actually spend time with you.

I think the reason is this: Guys know that while an initial conversation can really kick ass, it doesn’t mean that every conversation will be devoid of awkward silences, and it doesn’t mean that the girl they’re talking to will be able to hold up over the long run. It’s kind of like when you go to a new restaurant and you check out the menu - everything on it looks (and sounds) fantastic. Then you narrow it down to 4 or 5 dishes, and you still have a hard time deciding which one really will be the best. You go over them, and over them, and you might be able to rule out two or three based on what kind of meat is involved (ie. not really feeling like having chicken). But you’re still unsure, so you keep reading and reading… until finally you decide to commit to one. But you don’t want the person you’re with telling you what to get. You’re sure the waitress is going to tell you that the most expensive one is the best. But when you order, and the plate comes, you know without a doubt what’s going to be on the plate, and you have an expectation… if that expectation was met, you’re happy. If it wasn’t, you’re disappointed and you vow to never go back to that restaurant again.

Okay, so it’s a long, drawn out analogy, but what I’m getting at is that guys like their time to be well spent. Even if it’s three hours on the latest version of Guitar Hero, it’s a quality three hours to them. Men tend to be less decisive than women when it comes to dating - where a woman might figure, “What the hell, it’s just one date. We can see how that goes, and go on from there,” while a man might think something along the lines of, “Geez, I’d rather be home chatting with her on IM so I can still watch my Heroes DVD.”

Now, be sure that this is of course not a rule without exception. Some guys are shy, and really do wish a girl would make that first suggestion, and by all means, if you’ve been chatting daily for a few days or longer, and you just can’t take it anymore, you can say something like, “Gee, it’s kind of silly we’re spending so much time at a computer when we could share a meal with this great conversation.” And I’d even go so far as to say that if it gets to that point and he doesn’t bite the bait, you might consider that he’s really not as interested in dating you as you might’ve thought. In that case, there’s nothing wrong with letting a friendship flourish naturally but it’s probably best you keep looking.

Yes, there are many more mistakes women make with online dating, I’m well aware of that. But I’ve personally experienced no less than three times this particular situation, and it ended with him all of the sudden “phasing out” the chatting. He goes “invisible” so you don’t send the first message, and eventually you never hear from him again. Odd, yes. Game playing, maybe. Disappointing, definitely. Are you better equipped now that you’re thinking about it, and will be the next time you’re chatting with a new hottie? You know it.

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