Is it Cheating?
I’ve been faced with a rather sticky situation recently and because I’m so close to the situation, I’ve asked permission to share the story here on Dating Dames and get some feedback from those who are complete strangers to the people involved. The pair will be visiting this post to view exactly what strangers think as a means of making sense of the whole ordeal and even whether there’s anything worth saving.
Although this involves a married couple, it could be valuable information for those in a somewhat serious, long term relationship too.
Here’s the story as I know it…
The wife discovered the husband had been involved in a ’swingers’ type dating site (including having paid for a membership) and had a dialogue going with a local woman. This interaction evolved into the husband actually going to visit the woman at a public place.
Of course the husband said there had been no physical contact between the two.
The wife uncovered this by conducting a search on the computer to monitor the kids activity on the net. When a swingers website came up in the history, the wife investigated further. What the wife found was a array of nude photos of the woman with special focus on her, well, down there.
When the wife confronted the husband, he claimed he did it to gain the attention of the wife that he knew the wife would find out through these checks of the computer.
The wife uncovered a complete archive of email interaction where the two were discussing in detail what would happen when they met. The husband even expressed that he felt “sparks.” It was obvious from the emails that both parties were married, knew each was married and were attempting to ‘hook up’ discreetly.
The husband claims he went to meet the woman in person to tell her it was over — that he couldn’t risk losing his wife and family. However, the woman has proceeded to email the husband making it seem as though the conversation was hardly an ending.
The wife is very angry and has even printed the ad, photos etc. and is threatening to send everything to the employer of the woman involved.
For now, I’ve talked her out of that, but to be quite honest, I’d love for her to do it. But that’s where I’m thinking I’m far too close to the situation to give solid advice.
Now, I ask you, if you were friends with this couple or even the wife in this situation, what would you do?
Tags: cheating husband, swingers, cheating, trust
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POSTED IN: Advice, Answer This
16 opinions for Is it Cheating?
AdvertiseSpace
Jul 5, 2007 at 10:50 am
Calling it cheating or not is symantics.
Bottom line, it’s a betrayal of trust and a very inappropriate relationship to carry on.
The only upside is that it might be easier to work through and carry on with the marriage than had he gone through with the intentions.
gruurly
Jul 5, 2007 at 2:35 pm
“When the wife confronted the husband, he claimed he did it to gain the attention of the wife that he knew the wife would find out through these checks of the computer.”
This is called passive aggressive behavior and is a total cop-out, even if it is true. Getting your wife’s attention takes nothing more than a smile. Why couldn’t he take the time he invested into wooing the other woman and instead place that attention on his wife?
“The wife is very angry and has even printed the ad, photos etc. and is threatening to send everything to the employer of the woman involved.”
She is angry, and rightfully so. But a lot is said for class and style. The ‘other’ woman probably wasn’t told the truth about your relationship with your husband, and that’s not her fault. Place blame where it’s deserved - on the husband, not the ‘other’ woman.
What should this couple do? Get counseling. Immediately. Cheating or not, this is a huge breach of trust. Moving past it will take time, energy and commitment from both parties.
Gayla McCord
Jul 5, 2007 at 2:50 pm
gruurly - thanks for the comment. After double checking, I did find that the ‘other woman’ knew about the wife and have updated the post to reflect that.
I suppose that is an important factor in this whole equation.
I agree, the bulk of the blame rests on the husband.
The sad truth in all of this is a person can forgive all they want to, but they don’t possess the ability to ever forget.
It truly is a sad sad situation.
Gayla McCord
Jul 5, 2007 at 2:51 pm
I like the way you phrase that “it’s a betrayal of trust and a very inappropriate relationship to carry on.”
Very well put!!
Maggie
Jul 5, 2007 at 3:47 pm
So if the Wife send it to the womans empoyer what will that do? Bring Out the whole situation to the public. She needs to be willing at the whole world knowing if that were to happen. Personall I would take it as a warning to watch him see if he holds up to his end of whatever he promisses. Leave her out if she stays out on her own.
Mike
Jul 5, 2007 at 4:20 pm
So me being a guy….. was this his first time or just the time he got caught? LOL sorry, what was he thinking? So if she knew he was married that is on her sholders. and he went to meet her it says… so point fingers at him. what a jerk did to get wifes attention. he;s got it now but not what he wanted. what he wanted was little on the side. I agree with Maggi, she ( the other woman )is not to blame he went looking. HE paid for the site. LOL thats paying for sex could have gotten it at home saved all this hassle, dude big head does all the thinking.
jank
Jul 5, 2007 at 7:10 pm
They should get a divorce, he made a huge mistake and if he feels bad for himself he should imagine how he made HER feel. What a douchebag.
feelingflirty
Jul 5, 2007 at 8:14 pm
I hope you get things sorted out very quickly and your sadness turns into happiness before you know it.
Helen
Jul 6, 2007 at 5:31 am
easy………….cheating
Peace……………
Danielle
Jul 6, 2007 at 8:03 am
Yes it is cheating!!! He is a liar and a pathetic excuse for a man! She should absolutely out BOTH of these disgusting people to EVERYONE that knows them. Is the “other woman’s” husband aware of this? I think he should be informed as well. There is more than one problem with this type of behavor and complete lack of respect for other people’s feelings. Aside from the fact that this man and woman have destroyed lives and families, what about STD’s?? I get the feeling that this is probably not the first time either one of them have engaged in acts such as these. Both of the spouses that have been cheated on should immediately get tested! Both parties are to blame! Not just the husband!! Both parties were cheating on their husband/wife! That is unacceptable. If i were the wife of that dirty, digusting, cheating piece of crap….I would post his picture on every website i could!! He should not be allowed to get away with this type of behavior! Not to mention that even when caught he continued the lie and made it HIS WIFE’S FAULT??? Are you serious? What the hell is wrong with him? I cheated to get your attention? That is such a complete load of CRAP! She should kick him to the curb, and move on! He has no respect for her, or their marriage! Men like him are the reason women are constantly “man-bashing” and why we think ALL men behave this way! It makes me sick!
Linda
Jul 6, 2007 at 4:06 pm
Well it is sure to say that Danielle has been burnt way too many times. Let it go they broke it off before anything happend it was a wake up call to see his true feelings. Do not let it eat ate your heart….. If the wife send info to the other womans employer, she is stooping to a new low she surely has more class than that. If she truly loves him she wont hurt him the way he hurt her. Yes the can forgive but after time all wounds heal. Get counsling if not together (best) atleast do it for herself. If she does go public that could do more harm than good. Big time if there are children involved………just my 2 cents. All involved are in my prayers.
In his name Linda
Jooce
Jul 6, 2007 at 5:39 pm
Yes, it is cheating! Not only is it cheating but it is definitely a betrayal towards your friend with tons of trust issues.
Life is too short to be wondering if and when he’s going to do it again. Oh and I LOVE how he tried to make it seem as though it was the wife’s fault. I can think of better ways to get her attention.
Whether or not they cheated OR not it is cheating. Maybe they need to see a counselor to see if there is anything worth saving?
My gut instinct is telling me that perhaps the marriage is NOT worth saving. Cheatin’ N Beatin’ would do it for me pretty frickin’ quick if it were me.
Tell your friend to DIVORCE his @$$!!!
Linda
Jul 10, 2007 at 5:04 pm
So it has been a few days has she decided what she is going to do? We would love to know.
sara
Jul 12, 2007 at 1:07 am
It is cheating, even if there was no physical contact, it was building up to something. The husband is obviously lying. I think lying is a defensive thing, which means he isn’t ready to be honest in his relationship. I mean it would be different if he said, yes, I made a mistake..but it doesnt sound like that is whats happening. I seriously question whether this poor lady will ever be able to trust her husband again. She can’t spend ever moment of her life looking over her husbands shoulder to see if hes trying to set up an illicit tryst with local strangers.
They should see a marriage councellor.
Gayla McCord
Jul 12, 2007 at 7:55 am
The couple has decided to seek the help of a professional to save their marriage.
With the help of somewhat of an instruction guide at survivinginfidelity.com the husband was able to see that his is the burden of proof.
Regardless of what it takes for his wife to heal, it’s his place to endure it for as long as it takes.
I checked out the “survival guide” and it’s really quite detailed. I think I’ll share it in a post all it’s own. It’s definitely one that deserves some notice.
Thanks for everyone who participated in the comments for this couple. I do hope and pray they are able to get through this. It’s really sad to see families destroyed over such childish, selfish acts.
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