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I’m Feeling A Bit Heartsick

by Michelle Smith on October 6th, 2008

I’m not new to dating. I’m 42 years old.I’ve been married and divorced. I had a couple of live-in relationships - one when I was 19 and then one when I was a young mother of 27. I took a long break from dating for a few years, when I felt that I was not making good decisions in regards to the men (like still sleeping with my ex-husband)  that I chose and the behavior that I would tolerate (again, still sleeping with my ex-husband). 

At the end of this long break, I began to meet men for coffee dates, and then I’d think, okay, I’m done - don’t need another “date” for a few months. I was out of practice and honestly not very interested in experiencing the stress that meeting these new people caused. I went out with one guy a couple of times, or really just once, but he insisted on being “my boyfriend,” even though I said, I do not want a “boyfriend.” It took me 2 weeks of a 3 week “relationship” to finally deliver that message. 

Then, pretty much by chance, I began talking to my ex-boyfriend from high school who lives in the next state. We started out as friends for a few months talking daily, then things progressed after he came for a visit in the Summer. We’ve been involved in a committed relationship for more than a year. In that time things have been either very, very natural and easy or very, very complicated and needlessly hard. 

I love him, but he does not making loving him very easy at times. Sometimes he ignores me. For days or even weeks at a time. I know that is not a good sign. When I talk to my girlfriends, I can hear in their voices and see on their faces that they are concerned for me, unsure why I continue. When he is here, he is wonderful. He gives all of us so much love, affection, attention, he cooks and…..it’s all so very, very good.  Then, he goes home and he goes back to work and he gets depressed. He works in a business that is affected, like so many are, by the current bad economy. He works many hours for too little money and he isn’t able to reach the goals that he has set for himself. 

I try to keep this in mind and to remember how he’s explained that it’s not about me, has nothing to do with me, but he does not live in a vacuum and I don’t ask for a lot. What I’d like is a phone call or two a week. A text message or two a week. A short email would be good. What do I get? Well, he did email me one time a couple of weeks ago. He called me about 8 days ago (after I had not spoken with him in more than a week), but he had to go right away and said he would call me back. He didn’t. He has not acknowledged any attempt I’ve made to contact him for more than a week. He is a salesman, his phone is on him at all times.  

When you are involved in a long distance relationship, there’s a certain amount of maintenance that is required or it doesn’t feel like much of a relationship at all.  I have tried to explain this to him. It wasn’t hard for him to do before. If his intentions have not changed, then why is it hard now?  His plan is for us to be together all the time someday. When?  In a year? In five years?  In ten years? In the meantime I’m supposed to live like this, feeling that I’m invisible and unimportant and not worthy of a two minute phone call? That sucks and I refuse to do it for too much longer. 

I thought that if I went into a relationship with the best of intentions and let my man be himself that it would work out okay.  I thought that if I had realistic expectations and thought of us in terms of a team, instead of just me, me, me, I thought it would be okay. I have done my best to be patient, to be open-minded, to be caring and respectful of his life and lifestyle. 

I’ve been living without a partner for 15 years and I’m ready for a change. I feel that somehow I have moved so far down his list that I don’t matter anymore. I’m tired of pep-talking myself, saying, oh he’s so busy, he’s so busy……… Who isn’t busy?  Who isn’t worried about the economy? Do these things really give him the excuse to be rude and careless with my feelings? Is a phone call a week asking too much?  I’ve been very clear about what I need from him. He knows it hurts me when he ignores me, because I’ve said, “Hey, it hurts when you do this.” 

A future with him could be wonderful if he’d let it be, but some people, they won’t let themselves be truly happy. I’m afraid that he’s one of those people - I’m afraid he’s too much with the self-sabotage. I don’t doubt his love when he’s here, but he’s here so infrequently. It’s just very hard to figure things out sometimes and I thought I’d write it all out here, see if I could get things straight in my head. It’s still not straight, but I appreciate you taking the time to read my ramblings.  

Have you been involved in a long distance relationship?  If so, is this the kind of thing that everyone in this sort of relationship goes through?

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