Dating Widowers
You would think that dating widowers would be rewarding for the most part. As a woman, you wouldn’t feel you were being sized up to another woman and you wouldn’t have to deal with that woman being in your life, even if only occasional.
On the other hand, there are a number of women who have shared their experiences on just how risky dating a widower might be.
Have you ever had to compete with the memory of a ghost?
Something to think about!
Tom Blake shares a number of stories, both rewarding and risky by women who have dated or are involved with widowers.
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POSTED IN: Advice, In the News
46 opinions for Dating Widowers
Pat
Aug 14, 2007 at 7:30 pm
I have been dating a widowered male 55 yrs young. We were drawn to each other like bees to honey. It’s only been a couple of months but we both feel like its the real thing. My problem is I feel like I am competing with a ghost. All her things at his house. How do I compare? Can he love me as much as he loved her? Were do I fit in. Her kids are not his blood but he is connected and they don’t know what to think of me. I am scared of being hurt. I am divorced for 15 yrs and have had 2 bad relationships in the 15 yrs. I am not sure about anything? I was doing great on my own befor I fell for him. Now I don’t know what is up or down???? How do I know if he is really ready, How do I know if I am ready??? Don’t want to loose him but feel like I need to give him more time. He still has pictures of her all over the house and she was creamated… Her asses are in his dining room. Her kids have some. It makes me feel like I am breaking a law of some kind.
Gayla McCord
Aug 16, 2007 at 11:06 am
How long since his wife has passed? That’s one of the biggies right there. If it’s been well over a couple of years, then perhaps talk to him and see how he feels about beginning his new life and making room for you.
Pat
Aug 16, 2007 at 1:09 pm
His wife died last September, within weeks of me finding my boyfriend who I was engaged to in bed with a school mate. Which also just happened to be the day I burried my mother. For both of us it’s been about 1 yr. The thing is, I got rid of everything that reminded me of my ex. Divorce and Breakups are alot different. We have talked and he did remove some items. He admitted that he didn’t realize. I made a commitment to myself that I would not go to his house again until I felt she was not there anymore. This he did not want to hear. But the way I see it is he is not ready yet. Even though he says he is. I truely believe that he loves me and would do anything for me. I want him to do it on his time table. Not mine.
Star
Dec 2, 2007 at 9:34 am
Hi~I met a man the day before Thanksgiving. We met on line, talked a bit and I had admired his honesty about being a widow and wanting to find someone and have help with his little girl. When I first saw him it was pure energy. I felt it run through me, I hugged him and didn’t want to let go. We spent the majority of a week together, and it was a happy time for me. Like playing house, I have no children and loved his little girl and she me. My friends said, well she has obviously picked you, what about him? He is struggling. Yesterday was a year… I have this sense that I we are to be together. There have been so many signs, including an answered prayer to his wife, but he is feeling lost and exhausted and confused.
I feel I should step back and am, but my heart is in a knot. What can one do? I have such a feeling toward him, and a wish to be together.
Thanks for listening, Star
Khaila
Dec 25, 2007 at 6:22 pm
I had not dated in a long time over 4 years because of a bad break up. I met a widower with a child (under 12)
It was s rollercoaster for me from the begining. Her pictures were in the house, furniture I felt surrounded by her memory. The relationship ended in a year but I did learn some life lessons.
a) Its my opinion that if it has been a year or less since the wife has passed it is not a good idea to date. I think he need time transition into his life. I would even go as far to say anything less than 3 year is very difficult
b) There are definate stages of grief learn about them and just be prepared he will move through these stages.
c) There is healing that is going on in him remember allow him time to heal
d) Stay secure of your own idenity.
e) Develop a heart of forgiveness
f) Be patient and find a place of peace that you can go to and just be still.
G) Use wisdom and don’t be afraid to follow it
Jane
Dec 27, 2007 at 12:12 pm
Star, A relationship with a recent widower will be the most difficult relationship you ever go through. Age and how/why she passed will make a difference too. I have been with a widower for 1 1/2 years. His wife had passed just under a year before we met very suddenly and unexpectedly. The first year of our relationship was a CONSTANT struggle. Sometimes I wonder how and WHY I made it. But thank GOD that I did. And speaking from experience everyone grieves at different paces and in very different ways.
You need to talk with him and let him know how you feel, what you will and will not accept. i.e. “I understand that you have guilt to be happy, I understand that it is hard to move forward however if you choose to be with me then BE WITH ME. Talk to me when it’s hard but give me the freedom to choose love too.”
The one thing you should not do is become his “counselor”. He has to walk the path alone. Nothing you do or say will help that. This is HIS trail. What you can do is choose whether you will be at the end of the trail or not.
It will be hard and for me the first year it was a push/pull type of thing. We would spend fabulous time together and then he would push me away, I would get hurt, we’d talk through and he’d pull me back. Push…pull. It’s hard, girl. He would tell me “I have this overwhelming need to suffer too. And not being with you is suffering” so he’d push away. We broke it off twice and both times he came back to me realizing that life is better with me than without me. I’m not going to say that it’s all sunshine and sweetness now because we spent Christmas with each of our kids early because I knew it would be a tough day for him and his kids. But we got through it. Do I wish it was different? Sure, I don’t wish losing the love of your life on anyone but he wouldn’t be the person he is now if he hadn’t experienced what he has.
But if your r*ship is meant to be it will be. Just put your faith in that.
Don’t let yourself be set aside. If you’re feeling like you should step back, maybe you should. Talk with him and let him know where you’re at. The number one piece of advice I have is be patient. He will struggle, even after knowing my man for 2 years, dating for 1.5 he still has difficult times where he feels guilty for “having fun with me” but he gets through it much quicker and now realizes that he didn’t choose for his wife to die but he can choose to live (with me).
Counseling helped my guy in a huge way. Your man will feel pain, guilt, helpless too and if he doesn’t you should wonder…. what kind of man is this who lost his wife (of how many years) and can move on with no pain?
You might also want to make sure that he isn’t just trying to find someone to help with his daughter.
There are some women that will tell you that you shouldn’t put up with any of it… memories, her things in his house, bad days… but that little girl lost her mother too and the biggest gift he can give to her is the memory of her mother . That will mean that you will have to accept that and if you get closer help him do that. If you can’t, you should move on. It’s difficult, and it may get more difficult the more time you spend with each other but the good times are worth it! Eventually it will get easier for him. Just be honest with yourself with what you want and what you can/will deal with.
Best of luck to you!
Rachel
Apr 1, 2008 at 11:16 am
I’ve been dating a widower for 7 months now. His wife passed away 4 years ago. He has a 4.5 year old son. I love this man dearly and our connection has been like wildfire. I’m really struggling, however, with their wedding pictures and the fact that he still wears their wedding ring, albeit on the left hand. He is very adamant about honoring his late wife. He is also adamant about loving me. I feel tired and like I am a third wheel. I feel as if he can’t give me his true complete love because he is distracted. Am I being selfish? I don’t know what is right.
Jane
Apr 1, 2008 at 9:06 pm
Rachel - In this relationship you have to watch out for yourself. And that is not called being selfish.
I caution you on continuting a relationship while he wears his wedding ring from someone else. I mean, if you “allow” him the freedom to wear it now, when will that change? And when your mind finally does change, he’ll likely resent you for it “But you accepted it before”… Ugh.
The reality of his situation is that his wife has passed and he has a young son. His relationship with her is over, it has ended. Although he doesn’t seem ready to accept that. With the son so young when she passed I am guessing it was sudden. The fact remains that that part of his life is over. If he wants a relationship with you, he needs to let go of his relationship with her via his ring. I am guessing you feel like he is “married” to her still and you are the mistress. That is not okay in any relationship whether he is a widower or not.
Fortunately, I never dealt with the ring but I definitely understand why it bothers you. You need him to be in YOUR relationship. Can you suggest grief counseling? That is what helped my guy finally. It took months of me suggesting it though with his answer being “I think I’m fine”. HA!
I do still deal with the pictures around his house. He has removed the big, obvious ones thankfully but there are still many pictures of her. I applaud him for this because he still has kids at home and he is the only one that help them honor their MOM. That is his job for his son. It ends there if he wants to be in a relationship with you. I am not saying it’s cut and dry because obviously he’ll never forget her, she’ll always have been his wife, she’ll always be the mother of his son.
Trust your gut. Do what is right for you. Do you guys talk often? Have you told him how you feel? A common theme we women who are dating widowers use is “but he’s a widower”. In the big scheme of things, we still have needs and they should not be dismissed because he is a widower. We deserve a committed and loving relationship from whomever chooses to date us.
I finally told my guy “I’m not going to hang around and make you happy because you’re lost without me. Choose me”. We broke up but it finally clicked and now we have had a wonderful relationship between the two of us.
Best of luck to you. :)
Rachel
Apr 2, 2008 at 11:08 am
Hi Jane,
My computer has such a hard time with this website. Any chance you’d be willing to email me a few times directly? If not, no problem.
Thanks for all your advice.
Jane
Apr 7, 2008 at 9:44 am
I am unable to leave my e-mail on the site. I’m sure others out there will be able to relate to your comments if you keep posting here.
Betsy
May 28, 2008 at 7:19 am
I am so glad to have found this site. I have been dating a widower now for 3 1/2 months. His wife died less than a year ago. Jane is right, the first 3 1/2 months have been a constant struggle. The pushing and pulling. The most important thing I have learned is communication. I am still not where I would like to be with communication, I sometimes have a hard time opening up and don’t know how to bring up our relationship. I know he cares for me, but he still has a wall up. His wife did cheat on him during their marriage so I see a little bit of trust issues too. Jane, is there ever a good time to bring up what he’s feeling about our relationship? He talks about his trips back home to Buffalo this upcoming winter and do I have the right to know if his plans include me? It’s great to know others are going through the same feelings, while I know he’s a special person and I have strong feelings for him, I sometimes question my patience for this all.
Brenda
May 29, 2008 at 11:35 pm
I have been dating a widower for 4.5 months. He is a wonderful person and 3 grown kids. He still lives in the same house with all the things on the walls, etc intact. However, he has given all of her clothes back to her mom and I thought that was a start. He has taken me to his church and introduced me to his friends. I have met one of his children and another asked to meet me. He talks alot about her like what she used to say, food she liked and disliked, he even said that one of his kids said I looked like her. I have made it clear to him that I am not her, I am me!
I know of the pushing/pulling. It just happened last week. Out of the clear blue, he said that that he didn’t love me anymore and that he just wanted to be left alone. I felt some depression there. I called him the next day and asked if I could see him. He was so depressed and all he could do was cry when he saw me. He said that he wants to love me with all his heart but “something” is not letting him and he says he doesn’t know what it is. I think he does. I wonder what that is? He tells me that he loves me dearly and I believe him. We don’t talk as much on the phone like before, but I want to give him some space. He has been widowed for 1.5 years. He said he wants to get counseling and is going to the Dr. for depression med.
How do I know he is ready to give me all of his heart?
Brenda
Jane
May 30, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Hi Betsy, I’m glad you found this site too! I’m here for ya sister. I am guessing you have read through my previous posts on this subject. I think my first one in December has the best advice for you (2nd and 3rd paragraphs).
Yes, you have a right to know where you stand with him and also in his mind. And, in answer to the question you didn’t ask…. No, asking him is not selfish, needy or insensitive. If you need to know, then you have a right to know. Asking is the hard part though, right? Been there, done that. You’ve got to do it, and there probably isn’t a right time so you will just need to pick any time. You might approach it with YOUR feelings and then move into his. Ask what he’s feeling, HOW he’s feeling and it’ll go from there. Be prepared for his honesty, perhaps with his feelings of guilt, his fear of living his life…
I would also guess that you’re nearing the 1-year anniversary of her death. That could be a tough one. If he hasn’t already told you you might want to ask him what he expects of you during that time and what to expect from him during that time. This way, if he pulls away – you are prepared for it. Bottom line, you need to know if he wants you to be there when he’s done with the “tough times”. If he does, you need to be strong enough and have the patience enough to help him through. As I’ve said in my previous posts – do not become a therapist. Hear him out if he talks but this is his path and you cannot walk it with him. You can be there at the end but he’s got to do this himself.
If he wants it to work with you he will respect you so much for giving him the space to grieve on “tough days” or just bad moments. If he can feel secure to be able to be himself and know that you will still be there – what more do we as humans want in a relationship???? HOWEVER, you must, must, must make sure that you never put yourself aside. You cannot ever let yourself be hurt. If it hurts, it’s time to let go.
Aaaaahhhh patience… if you really care for this man and would like a relationship you must have patience. And that DOES NOT mean letting him walk all over you, treat you like a mistress, hide you… It just means that you have an understanding of what he is going through and you respect his process. If he wants to get through it and asks for time, then trust him. He needs time. The key words here is that HE WANTS to get through it. If he really wants to learn to be happy again, you can be there. If you and/or him aren’t ready for this then it’s probably better to be ‘friends’. As schmoopy as that sounds, it’s true. I hope this helps!
On the flip side, there are so many wonderful things I have found in dating my guy. I am such a lucky woman. And yes, I even say this after going some really, really tough times. Many sleepless nights, many tears but I am left with so much happiness and joy that I wouldn’t have changed a thing. We are so much closer for the struggles we have been through together.
Best of Luck. :)
Jane
Betsy
Jun 3, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Thank you Jane for your response. Ironically as I was re-reading your post, he called and we had a “mini-talk”. At this time, he’s trying to figure out the life insurance policy, she never changed him over to a beneficiary. So he had to have a talk with her family about getting the money to help him with the house, etc. He called on his way home and we were discussing how it all went..he then out of the blue said, “you know when I go to the doctor it’s b/c I am going to grief counseling”. I said, yes, I figured that and I respect the fact that you are going. He said that he thought he could handle it all by himself but he couldn’t and he’s still not the person that he used to be. I then to the opportunity to say, is this something that you want me in the picture or do you want to do this on your own b/c I want to spend time with you. And he responded, you know I enjoy your company but right now we just need to take things slow. He said I wouldn’t call you every day if I didn’t like you. And he mentioned that with working right now (he’s a police officer that picks up extra off duty work to get extra money) he sometimes just is so overwhelmed he needs his space. I feel that this was a good talk for us, yet I feel sad. I understand where he’s coming from but I don’t know how to give him his space w.out being hurt myself. I am very grateful he’s open with me, we still have a long way to go, but these are baby steps. I wish there was a timeline for when he could say to me..you know, in 3 months, I will be there for you. I know once the money issue is settled, he’ll have more time for himself and feel a little better b/c he’s now working 6/7 days a week. Every emotion is running through my head right now.
Jane
Jun 4, 2008 at 9:24 am
Betsy, I applaud you for talking to him. That is sometimes the hardest part. I have been in your situation. When we broke up for 6 weeks after a year of push and pull I was so upset and depressed that I literally could not eat and I could not get out of bed. All I did was cry and sleep. My girlfriends finally pulled me out of bed and took me out to eat (of all things). But, it took this to snap me out of it and realize that I had wasted so much of MY time in pain and should want better for myself. I got stronger and bettered myself. I prayed every single day that my boyfriend’s struggles would lessen, and that he would find happiness with or without me (and hoped it was the former).
Strangely enough, I found strength in wanting him to heal himself. But life went on and I made it through giving him his space. During the break up we did spend time together as friends which was extremely painful for me because I wanted so much more and there were times when I just had to say no, that I didn’t want to spend time together because it was too hard. There were several times during the breakup that we could have easily slipped back into girlfriend/boyfriend status but it just was not right and I was determined that if he wanted me back he was going to have to ASK for me back. He was going to have to take that all-important step of admitting and accepting to himself that he wanted to be with me and he was going to have to work for it. It might not seem like a big thing but it is a hugely important baby step for them to ACCEPT moving on.
I tell you all of this because I do believe that your guy wants to be with you but when he says he needs space – HE NEEDS SPACE. The decision for you is whether you want to be in a relationship of this nature. Are you willing to give him space and accept the potential that even if you wait that he may not be ready? Most of us don’t and perhaps we shouldn’t ever want this for ourselves. We should always want for ourselves someone that loves us and wants to be with us as much as we want to be with them. Sometimes, life just takes the “scenic” route.
Unfortunately, it sounds like his marriage was slightly lacking. Cheating, life insurance beneficiary… He will get past it all and it sounds like he is taking steps to help himself now you take the steps to help yourself. Surround yourself with your girlfriends while you give him space (if you decide to do so) and hope that he heals quickly! Cry if you need to cry but make sure that you smile more than you cry.
Jane :)
terri
Jul 23, 2008 at 10:44 am
i have been dating the wonder man for over 2 months. and when he speak of his decease wife, he say my wife. does he feel like he’s married. when does she stop being his wife? if he still married to her it no chance for me. is that a red flag? do i ask him to talk about her to be done with that side of it so we can move on? Please how do i handle this.
terri
Jul 23, 2008 at 10:48 am
i been dating his wonderful widower man over 2 months. An when he says something about his decease wife it is my wife. Is that a red flag. I feel like he is still married. and if that is the case it is no chance for me. Do ask him to talk about her, to tell me about her? How do i handle this situtation. Please help me?
Betsy
Jul 23, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Hi Terri–I will say Jane is the expert, but I do know the widower that I have been dating still refers to his deceased with as “my wife”…It’s one of those things when we first started dating I didn’t know how I felt about..but then I started thinking…well, what else is she, she’s not really an “ex”? She’s still his wife. I don’t find this to be a red flag. I tend to chose my battles…this is one that doesn’t bother me as much as some of the other challenges. i hope this helps some. I am happy that the guy I am dating can talk to me about her and her situation. There are no shrines to her and I don’t feel like she is flashed in my face, but when we do talk about her, I refer to her as well as “his wife”.
Betsy
Jul 23, 2008 at 2:03 pm
And to answer your second post…I was at about the 2 month period where I was getting nausious b/c I didn’t know how to bring the whole “wife” situation up. One day he got a phone call while I was there and it was something to do with the life insurance policy from his wife…it was my opportunity to ask him about her…once I did he was VERY open about everything and I felt relieved and so did he..I think it really helped to open the lines of communication and I felt so much better about everything…but before I had that talk, I felt the same as you did.
terri
Jul 23, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Thank you Betsy,
but if we think about how can you still be his wife and be dead. He can’t be married to me and her too. she can’t perform any wife duties. she is dead. Roman 7:2, says that a man’s wife must remain his wife as long as she lives, but once his wife is dead, he is free. you can’t be married to the dead.
Jane
Jul 23, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Terri, Yes, red flag alert!! His Late Wife is no longer “his wife”. I agree with you whole-heartedly. She WAS his wife and will always have been his wife but she is not his wife today. SHE WAS. As she is no longer alive - she was. When he fills out an application or questionnaire does he check married? No, he is no longer married.
My bf speaks of his late wife by her name in all contexts. Never as his wife or ex-wife. And frankly, I wouldn’t be comfortable with anything else.
Yes, in my humble Jane-like opinion, he needs to heal and move on from that part of his life if he is choosing to live a life with you. You cannot, however, tell him to do so. You can tell him there is a choice to be made and that choice is….. who he wants to share LIFE with today. You or her memory.
If you want to know about her you should ask him. He may not want to share it with you if he is still “married” to her though. Follow your heart and do what feels right.
Best of Luck. :)
Jane
Jane
Jul 23, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Betsy, It sounds like you are more comfortable in your relationship now and that is great. I would love to hear more about how it is going?
With all do respect, are you dating a married man? Are you having an affair with a married man? Are you a mistress? Do you have to look behind your back for the wife? No, no, no and no.
Technically he is no longer married. He does not have a wife nor an ex-wife. He has a late ife but that doesn’t mean wife. It does not matter that she passed away and did not run away. The fact is he is not married, you are not a mistress and you are not carrying on an affair because he has a late wife. Men with ex-wives don’t refer to them as their wife and widowers shouldn’t either.
If this is something that you can live with, this is your relationship but let me ask you this… If not now then at what point does she stop being his wife? In his eyes and your eyes? When you become more serious and this becomes an issue for you it might be shocking for you to ask him to stop because you tolerated it for so long.
I would not be so passionate (sorry :) ) about this if you had not said this….. “I tend to chose my battles…this is one that doesn’t bother me AS MUCH as some of the other challenges.” The key words that hurt me are AS MUCH. We all have to choose our battles but if you are going to be happy with him, he needs to recognize that his life is no longer the same as before. It is not with her as his wife, it is with you in life as his girlfriend. In my heart, and your own words I know that you feel a smite bit disrespected and hurt to hear it and I think (my opinion) that you should not refer to her as his wife but you should begin to speak of her by her name. Perhaps it will rub off and he will begin to do the same.
Forgive me if I have stuck my opinions where they don’t belong but I strongly feel tha at no time in your relationship with a widower should you feel second. YOU DESERVE to be FIRST if he’s choosing a relationship with you.
Jane :)
Rachel
Jul 23, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Three weeks ago, I joined my now-fiance (previously married, now a widower, has one 4 year old son) for a very stressful and emotional weekend. First of all, there was a wedding. It was the deceased wife’s brother’s wedding and my fiancé was standing up in it. He asked me a few months ago if I would join him. I did. At the rehearsal dinner, the dead wife’s sister pulled me into the bathroom and told me exactly how things were. How the dead wife would do anything to be here now and the only reason I’m with my fiancé is because God took the dead wife. She told me I would never be the first wife. This shook me up, but I didn’t tell my fiancé right away because I didn’t want to ruin the weekend. At the wedding, my fiance’s drunk brother pulled me aside and literally asked me questions like, “How the f#$k can you even stand here? This is “fiance’s name” wife’s family. This is a fu$#ing funeral, not a wedding. How can you fu%^ing live with yourself?” He let me have it for 15 minutes while I stood there in shock. He told me in great detail about the night the dead wife died and how he got the phone call at 2am and how awful it was. I was shell-shocked and had my worst “woman-dating-a-widower” nightmare come true. I finally left the brother mid-sentence where I cried my eyes out in the bathroom. My fiance’s mother (she and my future sister-in-law watched the brother tell me off) found me in the bathroom and told me her other son should be forgiven because he was drunk and he’s a “good person.” She also said I shouldn’t be mad. At this wedding, it also happened a few times where the wedding party was busy and I was sitting at a table pretty much by myself. During this time, my fiance’s family never once came over to talk to me. The next day, the mother asked me if I had told my fiancé about what had happened. I said no. (I was still in shock. Couldn’t even begin to sort through my feelings yet.) She said I had better tell or she would because she was certain that if he knew I was upset, that he wouldn’t want to be with me and that he wouldn’t move…hence the next part…
Since the wedding, my fiancé and his son have moved over 500 miles to live with us. (I have two daughters. My first marriage ended when my ex had an affair with his secretary)
My fiancé wants me to forgive his family because it was an extremely emotional scenario and difficult time for everyone. He wants me to make more of an attempt to get to know them and be nice to them. (Before the wedding, I had only ever been nice. I admit that after the wedding, I’ve been distant. HURT and totally in the realization that I am not accepted and being blamed). He admitted that what they did was wrong but says I need to concentrate on what they did that was right. He says he’s hurt that I’m not making an effort to love his family. This is a family that is obviously still grieving. My fiance’s mother has literally about 30 pictures of the dead wife and of she and my fiancé in the kitchen. My fiancé and I have been together for a year now, and have been engaged for over three months. There are no pictures of me on “the wall.”
I feel as if his family and his dead wife’s family are more important than me. He supports and defends and protects and stands up for everyone else before me. I feel I was treated in humanly and with complete disregard to my feelings and how difficult the situation was for me as well. I feel I was disrespected by his family, the dead wife’s family and now by him. Am I wrong?
Betsy
Jul 24, 2008 at 5:49 am
Hi Jane–thanks so much for your well wishes..I agree with what you and appreciate your opinions, it allows us to all look at things in many different ways and to be honest, I have asked many questions about her..except her name..so that’s my fault…I definitely see where you are coming from. I will write more soon about our progress, good luck to the new ones that have joined. Terri, I am sorry I couldn’t help you
terri
Jul 24, 2008 at 9:00 am
thank you Jane for your advice. That was good advice and you did help me.
Terri
Jane
Jul 24, 2008 at 7:50 pm
OMG Rachel, I had to read your post several times to even comprehend all that happened to you and I could not get through reading it without tears in my eyes. If I could just put my arms around you right now I would give you a big hug. And then, I have so much to say to you I don’t even know where to start….. First of all, it seems you’ve taken a few steps since the last time you posted and are now engaged. Congratulations. (I assume he has stopped wearing his wedding ring????) YAY!
I would love to hear more about your relationship with him and how it has progressed. From what I see above, engaged, living together, attending weddings (albeit his late wife’s family) he is in this with you for the long haul and has full intentions of living his life with you. His family needs to accept that. In answer to your question, I do not think that your feelings are unfounded; I would have been completely devastated if I had been in your shoes. Next time go to him immediately, do not wait!
The bottom line here is that these people are terribly selfish and inconsiderate. (In case you didn’t know.) I am not even sure if I would call it grieving anymore, they’re just jerks and idiots. Whatever their problem is they’re stuck in misery and he is living his life. Perhaps he was a bit hasty in inviting you to the wedding; maybe he didn’t clear it with her family first and maybe he should have been more sensitive to their issues. Before you hit me over the head none of that matters now because it all happened and now you are in the clean up stages. Ugh. No doubt that he did not see any of it coming or he would not have taken you. No doubt that you went into it very nervous to start, meeting her family and all. Both families were rude and disrespectful and I think he is out of line asking you to forgive them before they have apologized. And what, ahem… did they do that was RIGHT that you should focus on? You are the victim here; Not them. All you did was fall in love with this man and show up to an event that you were invited to. It has been over four years now since she passed, one year with you and I think it’s high time he stand up to these people and especially his own family. I think that you need to revisit this with him.
Before you do so, find confidence in your relationship with him – remember what brought you together, the choices you’ve made together, the love you share… and then go to him and tell him how you feel i.e. “He supports and defends and protects and stands up for everyone else before me”. Get angry if you have to but you need, need, need to communicate this to him. In his mind he lives with you, loves you, plans to marry you and wants the easiest way out of the mess his family created. You are safe for him and you’re not going anywhere so the easiest thing is to ask you to forgive which doesn’t really solve anything but he thinks he’s off the hook. He needs to hear from you that it doesn’t fix your hurt. Explain to him that you need him to stand up to his family if he expects you to accept them and forgive them. To tell them that he is going to live with you and as unfortunate as it is that his wife died he his choosing YOU now and he expects them to treat you with respect. If they can’t then you won’t be going around anytime soon. I hope (for his sake) that he can do this for you. If he shows resistance and insists that the issue lies with you and your forgiveness and failure to love them then I would give this relationship some serious second thought.
Stereotypically, men are much simpler than us stereotypically emotional women and they hate confrontation. If he wants to continue a life with you and his family as “one big happy family” he needs to make sure that you, #1 in his life, are happy and that means confronting them all! Tell him you need some reassurance because right now you aren’t feeling so confident. “I need reassurance that OUR life is what you want; my happiness is what you wan. I want to be accepted by your family but they hurt me and I need you to tell them that. I can’t go through that again, the situation isn’t my fault. All I did was love you.”
As for the soon-to-be mother in law telling you if your fiancé knew you were upset he wouldn’t want to be with you and all of the other BS she spewed… I have to believe she’s just not a very nice person. She’s just a jealous, angry soul so don’t waste any more energy on her wasted words. And hopefully, the conversation with your fiancé goes well enough so that IF there is a next time with the B@&CH you’ll be ready with a few choice words of your own. In fact, I can think of a few I’d like to share with her myself. ;) Hang in there and don’t let these people bring you down.
Best of Luck. :)
Jane
Ann
Jul 26, 2008 at 5:18 am
I just found your site and I can’t tell you how much it has helped me. I have been dating a widower for the past 3 years and after talking about marriage and our future together he told me that all of a sudden grief feelings had surfaced and he didn’t love me enough to marry because he was still in love with his late wife. He said he needs to get counseling and so we are now taking a break from seeing each other and I don’t know what to think. He told me not to wait because he doesn’t want to waste my time after 3 years, that it is not me but him and that he doesn’t know why these feelings are here now. It is because he never grieved in the beginning. I initiated the separation to give him time to get help and I don’t want to be second best. We were first going to still continue to
see each other and I said I could not wait, but if he changed his mind and found he missed me and our relationship to call me. Now I ‘m missing him and wondering if this can ever work
out. Please help me.
Pat
Jul 28, 2008 at 8:23 pm
I am not dating a widower but I am very close to my best friend’s grieving husband. She died recently after a 2 year battle with a terminal illness. After her death, we consoled each other, he was and is still in a bad way, but getting better. All part of the normal grieving process. We talk 2-3 times a day or more. I truly just want to be there for him. I’ve known him for almost 30 years, nothing has ever crossed by mind about him other than he was my friends husband. But now I’m getting to know him very intimately and I feel very protective of him and I care deeply. I’m also afraid that I’m falling very hard for him. And he has begun to express certain feelings towards me - BUT we both acknowledge that he needs a lot of time and that maybe someday, when the time is right….
At this point, I am willing to wait, I am more than happy to be his friend and to help him through this. He is a wonderful man and we both agree that our relationship must remain appropriate and that it is not the time to be testing the waters. In fact, he told me that the best love comes with deep friendship first and this is what he had with his wife. I agree.
But there are times I feel such extreme guilt over this. I loved his wife very much and would gladly give everything up to have her back again. My feelings for him deepen everyday, although I will not let him know. I sometimes wonder I should back off and keep away, but he’s so lonely and just needs a friend to talk to. I can’t leave him now. He calls me his strength and says I am the only person he can trust right now (there are other issues here concerning his stepchildren). I am prepared to wait years if I have to, I feel he is worth it.
Am I doing the right thing by following my heart? Or am I betraying my dear friend?
Jane
Jul 29, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Ann,
I can so empathize with you! Just know you’re not alone, we were all driven to this site for similar reasons.
I did the same thing! We broke up, it felt right at first because I didn’t want to be second, deserved better, he needed to heal… so we broke up and when reality hit me I panicked which seems to be where you are at now. The only thing I can tell you for sure is that when he says he needs space, HE DOES. And it sucks. I know you’re thinking to yourelf “what just happened here?” Unfortunately, all I can say is that you should try to move on. For yourself you should want someone that loves you for you as much as you love them. You can hope that he comes back to you but he needs to go through the healing process alone. When my bf and I broke up I (as I said above) couldn’t get out of bed I was so depressed. I thought “I gave up soooo much for THIS and went through so much emotion with you for THIS”? But I finally started to move on with my life and he ended up coming back to me. I cannot say that this will happen in your case but my point is that you have to move forward. You can make the choice to wait but I don’t recommend it. Has he asked you to wait??? “I know I’ll get there, I just need time?”
During our break up we maintained a very close friendship because we were, after all, best friends. Giving up my best friend wasn’t an option. It was hard for me, very hard to know how to separate the relationship that was to the friendship. Looking back I was stupid to put myself in the situations I did because I wanted so much more. I just let him know that more than anything I wanted him to heal. I did some soul-searching, A LOT of reading and what I learned was that I could not help him no matter what. If you want him to be able to be with you in the end (and if he wants that too) this process has to take place totally separate from you. And then he needs to ASK for you back.
He does need to go through counseling, especially if he is still actively grieving after 3 years. I have no doubt that this is what helped my guy turn that corner. What counseling will do is help him to separate what his life used to be and what it is now. It will help him understand that although his wife is dead, and he’s moving on that he didn’t CHOOSE what happened. I guess it’s a difficult thing to get through; giving up the guilt. Unless he gets through that he’s no good to anyone, even himself.
I’m not sure what to tell you other than take care of yourself first, surround yourself with your girls and smile. Can you maintain a friendship with him? And let him know that you are supportive of him AS A FRIEND?
Best of Luck :)
Jane
Lisa
Aug 1, 2008 at 8:25 am
I have been dating a widower for 6 months. His wife of 10 years passed away 3 years ago. He was in one relationship prior to me. We have spent a pretty much every weekend together since we met along with traveling together. I knew when I met him that he had not completely let go of his wife - his home is still decorated just as she had left it. Her picture still sits on her jewelry chest in the corner of his bedroom. He talked about her a great deal in the beginning of our relationship. He still stays in very close contact with her family - her parents take care of his pets, they still have dinner together including on the wifes birthday and anniversary. She had made him promise to continue to stay close to them.
I have also found out that in his prior relationship that he had broken up with this woman several times, especially after a trip. This is what happened to me. He ended our relationship abruptly after returning from a wonderful vacation. He stated that things were not growing as much as he wanted and that he wasn’t sure if he was ready. I told him that it is impossible for him to find the closeness he desires as long as his heart is still with his late wife. He is 53 and I am 47. He is a wonderful man and we have been very happy together. I have grown to love him but know that I need all of him and all of his love. Is this common with widowers? Will he ever be able to find what he desires as long as he still holds onto the love for his wife? I was willing to be patient and supportive but don’t want to get hurt any further either. Do I just accept this ending? Help me to accept that this is his issue and not mine.
Jane
Aug 3, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Pat, Interesting waters you tread. I really do not believe that you are betraying your friend. You both need to continue living your lives.
I would caution that you may be “high” on grief. He is, no doubt, still actively grieving and therefore should not even begin to think of a future/current relationship. He is admittedly not ready. I really caution you on being the one he “needs” in order to be okay right now because you are going to be (already are) sucked into his need and he can give nothing back to you. And may never be able to do so. I can tell you right now you cannot be his strength, please do not put yourself in that position any longer. It could be devastating for you both. Pull yourself back, put some distance, take a good look at the situation, be his FRIEND and see where it goes. If it meant to be, it will be. If it is, you want it to be right and you want him to be able to be whole without you as his leaning post, if you will :) so he can give his whole self to you. Make sense???
Best of Luck :)
Jane
Jane
Aug 3, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Lisa, “Is this common with widowers?” Yes! You are experiencing the most common “complaint” of women dating widowers and perhaps men dating widows also.
Let me assure you - this is not your issue. This is his and his alone. He’s lost. The really crappy part is that they “push” you away right after they’ve “pulled” you in and you’re left standing there shaking your head asking “what just happened here?” Right? You go on a wonderful vacation, enjoy each others company and wham “I’m just not in it”. It makes no sense to you and I. NONE. He is scared. Scared of being happy, falling in love, moving on with life. He feels guilty. Guilty for surviving and having the ability to fall in love, be happy, move on. You deserve more.
This was the most painful part of my relationship. I literally went nuts trying to figure it out. I wanted to shake the crap out of him and say “what is wrong with you, can’t you just enjoy it? We just spent an amazing time together and now you push me away”. I don’t think so! It sounds like your guy hasn’t really dealt with her death yet either i.e. house. Unless he faces it head on, FEELS the pain of it and lets go of the pain he will move through his life this way. No sweet, this is not you at all.
In answer to your second question… yes, he can find what he desires but he won’t be happy and can’t bring himself to accept it. Which is YOU right now. I look back and wonder how I made it through the emotions during the toughest times. During one of our push/pull conversations (and we had many) he told me “I have this overwhelming need to suffer, I feel like I need to be suffering right now. I love being with you and not being with you (pushing you away) is suffering.” HELLO, um… what? I was absolutely devastated. 1. Because I realized how lost he really was and 2. I was being thrown about like a ship in a hurricane because he was lost. 3. How is this my fault?
So…. what now? I gather that right now the relationship is over? I’m no professional but in your case, I don’t think you should just accept that it’s over without discussing this with him again. Spell it all out. Leave nothing behind. Come out from your fear of hurting him, from asking him for more… and talk it all out. From what you say, this man wants to be able to love and be happy, he is just standing smack dab in his own way right now. It’s still fairly recent in the language of grieving, in my opinion. But now is the time for him to decide what he wants in his future and to work toward having a happy future. Tell him what he may not even realize in himself - he needs closure and perhaps that means suggesting counseling.
Remind him of the wonderful experiences you have shared, explain you want more of that but need him to WANT it too.
I think it is healthy for him to maintain a relationship with her family. The fact that history has repeated itself with his vacations and break-ups sends a red flag. One you have identified yourself. Ask him, flat out. “WHAT DO YOU WANT ANYWAY?” If I were in your shoes right now, I would approach him as a friend with worry. If you approach him with the care of a friend and not with the strings of your relationship he’ll probably be more willing to listen and accept what you are saying to him and that is “you need to fix yourself whether you choose me or not.” (But pray that it’s WITH YOU.) Maybe explain to him what you’ve posted “I am willing to wait… but don’t want to get hurt”. Another common theme with these guys is that they are afraid to ask for help. He’s not going to ask you to wait for him to heal. He just won’t. But he may be able to say “yes, I want this to work, I just can’t do it now.” Same thing, right?
Lisa, I don’t know what the right thing is for you. I just know communicating is key. My bf and I would literally spend hours at a time “discussing things” after a push/pull incident. It was absolutely exhausting but it is what saved our relationship. Then at least you can say you did everything in your power. The one thing I do know is that you are a smart woman and know the potential for more hurt is on the line. Make sure YOUR best interest comes first - ALWAYS. You deserve someone that loves you as much as you love him. If he can’t, it’s time to move forward with your life.
Best of luck :)
Jane
Marie
Aug 4, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Jane, I find your answers to be extremely helpful. I have been dating a widower for about 8 months now. His wife passed away a little over a year ago. He has asked me to move in and make his house my home. I seem to have a block. Her belongings are everywhere; lotions, perfumes, nailpolish, pictures etc. He told me to move and get rid of anything that would help me with the exception of her pictures. They have a daughter so I can understand why he wants pictures. My problem is that I dont feel comfortable going through her belongings. I feel that he should have to get rid of these things. I understand that his deceased wife will always be a part of our relationship because of their daughter. However, why cant the pictures of her be in the daughters room instead of everywhere in the house. When he talks to me about her, he calls her by her name. However when he talks to other people, whether im there or not, he refers to her as his wife. Am I being selfish for having problems with these things?
Rachel
Aug 5, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Hello Jane and all,
For any of you that have read my posts, you know that I’ve been dating a widower for about a year now and that recently we became engaged. He also recently moved 500 miles away from his family to be with me. The last month has been so hard. His past keeps sneaking up into our lives. He’s very protective of his past. I haven’t asked him to forget his past or pretend like it doesn’t exist. But I have asked him to INCLUDE me in the decisions regarding his past in our new together home, like pictures etc. He said no. He said his past is his past and it’s his “basic right” to keep it to himself and make those decisions. This did not work for me when the picture of the dead wife ended up in the middle of his dresser in our BEDroom. After much fuss and arguing, the picture was moved to his exercise room. My fiance refuses to set a wedding date.
Anyway, none of this really matters because I’ll give you a current update. On Saturday I found out I was pregnant with his baby, an unplanned pregnancy. I told him that more than ever, I need his love and support and commitment. I asked him to marry me (again) and to set a date before the baby is born.
He said no. He has regressed and says he’s not ready for all of this. He said a pregnancy is not enough to make him marry me. He said he’s getting a moving truck tomorrow and moving back to his home town. He said he’s taking his son travelling on the road for a while where he’s going to write a book about his late wife and dealing with her death.
I don’t believe in abortion (although I’m considering it) and I don’t want to have a baby by myself. I can’t believe this has happened. I have given him the engagement ring back.
I, personally, will NEVER date a widower again. He required more give on my part than I’ve ever had to give. Not that that in itself was bad, but I personally don’t believe now that I ever was number one. He pretended I was at times, but I wasn’t. A physical move in location was not enough to help him start a new life. When push came to shove and pregnancy, he decided to embrace his old life instead of our new one. I do not believe widowers can ever completely move on. They may fake it, but I don’t believe it. And girls, you all deserve more than that load of CRAP.
I guess that’s all for me because my relationship with this widower is over. I wish you all the best.
Rachel
Jane
Aug 6, 2008 at 9:36 am
Marie, In nearly 100% of the posts up above the question “am I being selfish” in some form or another is asked and the answer 100% of the time is no! It’s not really a matter of being selfish, we are put outside of our comfort level which makes us feel selfish and this is an unfortunate side effect of his being a widower. We, the women, are put into situations where we have to ask for things that we normally wouldn’t need to for. i.e. “um….. would ya get rid of the lotion please?” And on top of that we feel guilty for doing it. No, you are not being selfish.
Don’t you just wanna smack him over the head and say “are you stupid?” :) In your boyfriend’s case, he’s likely totally oblivious because his late wife probably handled the household so he knows no different. Can’t really blame him for that but it is time for him to learn now! This is his deal, it was his wife, they were her things and he needs to get rid of them – not you! In fact, this should have been done before you moved in and if for nothing else but out of respect for you but bygones…
Aside from the loving and wonderful relationship I now have with my boyfriend, the one thing that I come away with after dating a widower is self-righteousness and the confidence that I should be getting what I need in my relationship; widower or not. At first, I really struggled with communicating because I felt guilty. I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted/needed and what I felt like he should already just be DOING. Now, within my relationship I’m a pro and I want that for all of you out there. This quality, of communicating and being self-aware, has truly affected my entire life for the positive. At work, with friends, with my kids…
I had particular issue with certain things and worked up the nerve (over several days) to talk to him point blank and his response was “I was married for 20-something and when you’re married for that long there is a comfort level that you fall into. I understand what you are saying and honestly never even had a clue but I will work on it.” It was no big deal, I stressed for days over bringing it up but it took me telling him and teaching him “hey, we are not married, WE don’t have that comfort level yet and I need this and that and this from you” for him to realize he didn’t know how to date! He did come around and lucky for him (and me) I had the patience to help him learn. :)
So my point is… it’s going to be uncomfortable and you’ll feel selfish when you ask for what you need but you will be more aware of yourself and your needs, which is awesome! (btw, that nervous feeling does go away too.) Once you accept that you will be out of your comfort level you need to tell him, “hey, I appreciate the freedom you’ve given me to change up the house but you need to be the one to remove her things. And I know you’ve asked to keep the pictures intact but I would appreciate if maybe we could rearrange them and maybe move some of the ones in the living space into ‘daughters’ room.” I’m not even sure you need to give him a reason that he needs to be the one to remove her things so I wouldn’t unless he asks. In addition to it being respectful to you, he needs to remove her things as part of his healing process too – the final goodbye so to speak which he could be avoiding. Uh-huh, not anymore and not if he wants you in his life! You might also bring to his attention that he refers to her as his wife which is uncomfortable. OR you can take one baby step at a time and tackle that one at a later date.
I’d love to hear what you decide and how it goes.
Best of Luck :)
Jane
Jane
Aug 9, 2008 at 8:24 am
Rachel, I am so sorry for all that you have had to go through. This guy is just an a$$ and it doesn’t even have to do with his being a widower. He’s disrepectful and selfish. Consider the family he came from and that much is clear.
Best of luck to you :)
Jane
julie adkins
Aug 11, 2008 at 12:05 pm
Hello,
What in the world is going on here? I have been dating a wonderful widower from my church for only a few months. Our chemistry was extremely strong from the beginning. Now, he has broke it off because he feels as if he is cheating on his (dead) wife. He has been widowed for 2 years. She died very suddenly of a massive heart attack. I am very new to this type of situation (thank the Lord) and I an unsure as to how to accept and deal with this. I really enjoyed his company and have come to think of him as more than just a friend. If this is the way things are going to be, I wonder if it would just be better to move on….. Thank you for any advice you could give me.
Michelle Smith
Aug 11, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Hi Julie.
It sounds like you are in the midst of a pretty tough situation. My advice to you would be to take a step back. I know it’s hard to do that, I find it very hard myself, but sometimes it is necessary. A little time and space may help you both.
I would not totally write the situation off - let him know that you care about his friendship - and then let it play out.
Good luck.
Michelle Smith
Aug 11, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Rachel, I am so sorry to hear about your sad break up. It sounds as if your fiance was very confused.
Now, about that baby, whatever you decide to do, it’s absolutely got to be YOUR decision. It’s not easy to have a baby on your own, but I can tell you, from my own experience, it is do-able. My youngest child was conceived after my ex-husband and I were divorced. We have a total of 3 children together and 100% of the child rearing is my responsibility. I do not even receive any child support.
Good luck to you.
Michelle Smith
Aug 11, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Marie, I wonder if your man wants you to clear away his late wife’s possessions because he considers that “women’s work.” Some men are very insensitive - they just don’t get it and I think that your guy might be one of the clue-less ones. It doesn’t mean that he does not love you.
Jane
Aug 11, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Julie, Welcome to dating a widower. If you’ve read the posts above you’ll recognize this action as “push/pull”. This could, in fact, be the way things go until he has come to grips that his life is different now. The life he had with his wife was before and this is now. That’s the hardest part for these guys; separating what was from what is. My bf’s wife died very unexpectedly too and he had guilty feelings for a long time (as you’ve no doubt read above) but I stuck around because he asked me to. There are times where I look back and truly believe I was insane to have dealt with the pain sometimes but I am now thankful that I did.
This could be something he gets past quickly or something that he gets stuck on and can’t get past. He will eventually but it depends on how much patience you have. If he’s asked you to wait then you have a choice to make. If he’s simply told you it’s over because he feels guilty and you’re not quit ready to let go then I would talk to him. My famous last words right - Talk to him. :) Tell him you don’t want it to be over (if you don’t) or you can let it go.
I can tell you that if you choose to stick it out WITH him it will be a tough road but it can be very rewarding too.
Best of Luck :)
Jane
james
Aug 21, 2008 at 3:13 am
i stumbled on your website when i was looking for advice on dealing with grief. yes i am a widower. my wife’s name was louise. we were together for 27 years. i want to thank you all for your efforts at dating a widower. we are not bad people, we have just had a horrible thing happen to us. Please hang in there, we are worth the effort. always have love in your heart, for today can be the last day. i know.
Jane
Aug 21, 2008 at 8:28 am
James - So good to hear from your point of view. I know from personal experience and many of the ladies above that “should I wait?” is the begging question for which the widower does not and perhaps cannot answer.
No one said widowers were horrible although there have been some pretty horrible experiences.
I hope and pray for you that you find peace in your life again. You can never forget but you can choose to live. I would ask that when you choose to date again that you are fully ready to share your life and yourself and that you consider all of the comments from above and let the woman in and leave no room for question in her mind. And realize that once we involve ourselves with you, your wife’s death is now a part of our life too!
I hope that you also can deal with your grief. My boyfriend was married 20 years and had a very difficult time with grief for a long time. Counseling helped him and I helped him. When you are ready to deal with it and it sounds like you are, you have to make a choice live IN the past or live now with memories of the past. Healing from grief is really just learning to balance the two effectively. The most unfortunate part of grief is that in order to deal with it you MUST feel it instead of pushing it away. You must deal with the pain. Do not change the channel on “your song”, do not push the good memories away. Invite them in, feel the pain and then be thankful for all that you had.
In trying to understand my boyfriends grief I read many books. I read them for myself because I knew I could not be a counselor to him but I could try to understand what “I need to suffer too” meant. If you are interested I will share the title of the one that made the difference!
Best of Luck to you, James. We would love for you to keep posting and helping us out!
Jane
Jane
Aug 21, 2008 at 8:32 am
Marie, How is it going?
Rachel, How are you doing?
Rachel
Aug 21, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Hello all,
This website drives me crazy…sometimes it doesn’t accept my posts…
Thanks, Jane, for asking how I’m doing. I’ll fill you in…
I’m not well. I had been engaged to a “wonderful” man for four months. He had moved in with his son for 28 days. It was a hard adjustment, but I believed we were in it for the long haul.
Then, on Aug 2, we found out we were pregnant. On Aug 4, my fiance told me he didn’t want to get married anymore. On Aug 5, he told me he was leaving. On Aug 7, he drove away with his son in a huge Penske truck.
I have tried calling and emailing him since…no response. I have tried calling and emailing his brother and sister-in-law too…no response. They have obviously been instructed to have no contact with me.
Right before he left, he told me this…He said that the pregnancy made him realize the permanence of the situation. He had to make a decision to stay with me for good (hello! isn’t that what the engagement ring meant?) or go back home where he knew what was going on and felt more comfortable with the situation. He chose to go home. He chose the past and “comfort” over standing by his fiance and being a man and facing the future and LIVING in the NOW. The sad thing is that I BELIEVED every word of him wanting to be with me and loving me. I believed he was moving on with me. And I loved him, every part of him, and I still do
I am incapable of turning off my feelings for him like he did for me. I am not inhuman.
Right before he left, he told me that he was still “crazy in love with me,” and that I was still “his best friend,” and that he still “turned to mush when he was with me.” Still, he left. As I drove away, I heard him shout, “I love you!” I don’t understand.
So, now I have to make a decision about a baby. I have had four abortion appointments scheduled so far, and have been unable to follow through with any of them. I have one more set for Saturday. I don’t know what I will do. Some days I’m for the abortion. Other days I can’t imagine having the abortion. I have to make a decision soon.
I have been to see two counsellors regarding this situation. They are helping. They say my fiance is stuck in a highly dysfunctional stuck stage of grieving and is in total denial about it. I agree.
One counsellor was located at an abortion clinic in which I had to walk through a sea of protestors shouting obscenities at me and calling me a “murderer.” A few of my religious friends have told me I will “go to hell.” You know what I say to that??? I was married once in which when I was seven weeks pregnant with our second daughter, I found out my husband was cheating on me with his 18year old secretary. Yes, I know I can get through a pregnancy and raising a baby on my own. I’ve done it before. But I don’t know if I’m willing to do that again. My burden in life is huge right now, and I’m SUPPOSED to be engaged with my LOVING FIANCE by my side right now. I hold him accountable that this option of abortion is even an option.
Lightning has struck me twice. I’m in the exact same position I was seven years ago…a little different, but mostly the same. I can’t believe it.
JAMES—might I suggest the website: http://www.ywbb.org/index.shtml
I found this for my fiance and he found it to be informational, an excellent resource and very supportive to what he was going through. It’s for “young” widows, but widows of any age participate. I found it to be helpful, too, for enlightenment.
Life is crazy, isn’t it? I agree with James that you should just love as much as you can each and every day because you never know when life will end. Good advice. BUT, I also think sometimes life will keep going but turn you upside down and ram your head into the concrete, so loving every second you can each and every day applies to life going on as well.
I don’t know what I will do yet. But I’ll keep you posted. Did you know that one THIRD of women under the age of 45 have had an abortion? I found that number to be astounding.
Take care of YOURSELVES, girls. You are too important not to.
Rachel
Michelle Smith
Aug 21, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Sorry about a lag in time for your comment to post, Rachel. I’m new and currently learning how this all works. I have a new co-blogger and we will get things through quicker next time.
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