CLUE 8. How Do Others View You Two?
Infatuation: few or none of your family and friends approve of your relationship. Your beloved’s friends likely don’t think much of you, and your friends aren’t very fond of him or her, either. Each of you will also dislike the other’s friends.
Real Love: most or all friends and parents approve. You like each other’s friends and fell comfortable with them, because you have a good deal in common. What brings friends of the same sex together? If you are heterosexual you choose same-sex friends not on the basis of sexual attraction, but because of their personalities and because you have lots of interests in common. You like to talk about and do many of the same things. In infatuation, you have been drawn to each other largely by physical attraction.
This is completely different from what attracted you to your same-sex friends. Therefore, since the two of you have few interests in common, few if any of your friends approve of your choice.
On the other hand, if you really love each other, your relationship is also base on the many interests you share. You are friends as well as lovers. Things equal to the same thing are equal to each other. Since you like in each other the same kinds of things you like in your friends of the same sex, then all of you have a great deal in common. You all have lots to talk about, many of the same interests, a great many similar ideas. Thus you are all far more likely to get along well together. So most or all of your friends will approve of your relationship. So if few or none of your friends approve of your boy or girl friend, beware. Your “love” interest is probably based on physical attraction and sex. But if many friends approve, that suggests that you have much mutuality, many things in common. These factors are basic elements in a real love relationship. It follows, then, if most of your friends approve, you are more likely in love.
Ask yourself. “Can you be yourself naturally with the person you love? Does he or she bring out the best in you, or the worst? Are you genuinely proud of this person? Do you enjoy being with him or her in the company of your family and friends?” To these queries we would add one more. Are the same qualities present in your beloved that you like in your same-sex friends? If they are not present, proceed with caution.
It may be just infatuation, not love. When parents do not approve of a marriage, the failure rates are very high. Most parents love their children. So if your parents think you’re about to make a big mistake, they are likely to oppose it. They don’t want you to get hurt, to be robbed of future joy. If they’re convinced you’re making a poor choice, they just may be right. Since they don’t have stars in their eyes like you do, they may be able to see the situation more clearly than you can. If so, then they are being your friends, not your enemies, by showing their concern or by not approving of the relationship. There is one exception to this. In a few cases, parents may not be emotionally grown up, not willing or able to release sons or daughters to live their own lives. In such cases, if the young person is ever to marry he or she must do so against the parent’s wishes. But such cases are rare. So if your parents object, be very sure it is they who are immature and not yourself before moving ahead.
It’s usually a mistake for parents to “lay down the law” and forbid their children to see the person they object to. That will probably just drive the couple into each other’s arms. This is known as the Romeo-and-Juliet effect. Studies have shown that parental opposition may actually cause a couple to fall deeper into “romantic love” or infatuation.
There is strong evidence that peer and parental approval tend to indicate love. Divorced persons were almost four times as likely to complain that they and their spouses had no mutual friends. That is, they seemed to have little in common with the other’s friends. Happily married couples were far less likely to have problems with each other’s parents. Divorced men were three times as likely to list “interference of in- laws” as a major complaint. This bears out the view that real loves are more likely to gain the approval of parents. When most friends and parents object, take special care. They are trying to tell you something you should know. But if most or all of them approve, that is a good sign.
Tags: crush, love_interest, marriage, real_love, relationshipRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Dating in General
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